I am mindful that I call god a hypocrite, describe him as "full of violent hate" and other things I have said that also can describe myself sometimes.
With that, it doesn't change that he actually is no matter how I might be. I do doubt because of the man himself I am how I can be.
However, since I have been seventeen I have been under a heavy burden that has probably damaged me permanently. It is like being in an abusive relationship or experiencing what seems like an eternal punishment for use of a better description.
Then, I think back to when I was seventeen and eighteen when I was diagnosed with a mental illness and know that I haven't changed at all. I was still being affected the same and now it has been seven years. I am pushing twenty five. What I feel could be artificial.
Oh, my tormentors - when will you end your needless punishment that hurts me and makes you happy. I keep reminding myself not to talk about the new world order so much so I don't come across like a broken record. But they are all a threat (and have been before the day that "everything changed") to what we know.
Am I alone? Am I alone in this personal war I am battling against bitter and cruel people? I am one man. But I don't quite think of myself as a man. Actually, I find it hard to believe in myself as a man. Over the last year I have learnt very much about myself. A self discovery.
About six years ago I kept hoping this would end for me but it continues instead.
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