I just thought I'd check in. I've been having chest pains over the last few days and they grew more intense until a time after I woke up early this morning. Am I worried? No. Because I know that those pains shouldn't really be happening to me. Really, wouldn't we all be better off without god? Christians, what a people full of trickery and deceit.
I mean, how do I put what has happened into a way that I can understand it? A way that I can understand and makes sense.
Okay. Well if you, the reader, think I am an angel then you need your head read. Saints and angels is part of Catholicism. Because of the abuse I have had to suffer every day for the last eight years I must be a changed man for it, aren't I? The people here that are part of this community I live in don't care but with that said I'm not saying I want them to. They all have the inside scoop thanks to their church groups and associated government big brother informants. So fuck em'. They should piss off. See? Thats who I am now, a person consumed with hate. However, that hate has been passed on to me by people who still can't let go.
I can't be this, I can't do this, I want my life back. Do I really think that I can go out there now and try and find work then be successful? Yeah right. I'm ruined, I could be morally bankrupt. But because I had to be somebody, because I had to be a good man, I had to be a god. What a fuckin' joke. I'm sitting here laughing out loud at my words because well, I don't really know why. I know now, its because its absurd, its stupid. All you need to do is look at me and see that I am no god. Do you think I am?
Well, this is how its going to go down. I can only beg for mercy for the campaign of shock and awe to stop but I'm going to live how I want and I think I can get some fufilment from that. I mean, I already am. But without one thing, sex. On July 9th and also earlier this month (I don't remember the date anymore) it was one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind. Haha! I saw two Asian prostitutes and in years gone by I had ruled that out completely from ever happening. You know, just seeing a whore, a hoe, a hooker... call them what you will. They weren't crack whores, they seemed to be clean. But I thought, fuck it, I've done enough of protecting this world from myself and now I'm going to take the leap. And, I did, with almost complete confidence I will add. I plan on doing so a third time but I'm a little afraid because I think they don't like me anymore and might want to hurt me. I might go in and there might be a big dude (ever heard of a big Asian?) waiting for me to deal some damage (presumably to my big thought read and controlled terrorising head). I'm so dangerous dude, I can terrorise with my mind.
I'm tired of having to be someone I don't want to be but the conspiracy to murder continues... or conspiracy to change... or something. I'm just fed up and come to think of it, I almost sexed up another Asian prostitute in 2002 when I was only sixteen. But THAT was a setup to get me off the street and back to my parents house where I could re-connect. Back then, I can say I never gave a fuck AT ALL because I was unaware of what I was involved in at that time. As time went on though since the SHOCK AND AWE began because I'M AN EVIL-DOER, it just continued to unravel and still does with no end in sight.
Hahaha! Hilarious.
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